Hello friends,
It took a couple of months, but my psychiatrist and I found the ideal Prozac dose (40mg, if you're wondering). Now I feel like Rip Van Winkle awakening from confused slumber. Everything feels brighter, and even the dark places look softer. I keep wanting to smile and laugh for no reason.
When an antidepressant stops working, the change is gradual. Things get a little bit worse a little bit at a time until eventually, you're in a dank pit with no idea how you got there. You become the frog slowly boiling to death, and you don't notice until it's too late. When an antidepressant starts working, though, it's like jump-starting a dead heart. The world becomes this vibrant place full of possibilities. I feel truly awake for the first time since before the pandemic. The world hasn't changed, but I want to be a part of it again.
One thing about waking up, though, is that I've become increasingly irritated with the people who romanticize mental illness. The terms "neurotypical" and "neurodivergent" bother me, as if having a mental illness is different but not worse than the norm. That's such bullshit. Mental illness doesn't make you special. Neither does disability. I'm not "differently-abled." I'm disabled, a cripple. My leg doesn't work correctly. I'm always tired. My toes sometimes burn. These are all shitty things to deal with. If I could wish away every "divergent" nuisance, I would. My life would be better if my brain produced the proper chemicals and my body stopped destroying itself. If given a choice, I'd give up mental illness and MS in a heartbeat. I'd kill to be "typical."
The thing about depression is that it's a vampire. It sucks the life out of you. You don't care about anything other than trying to stop the hurting. Eventually, so much of you drains away that you don't care about protecting what's left. You're just trying to get through each moment. For now, at least, I've staked the vampire. It may return, but I'll start the cycle anew if it does. Maybe I'll eat more garlic.
Before I go, I want to tell you about a new thing I'm doing for subscribers. I'm starting a book club! Every month, we'll read something new. At the end of the month, we'll have a discussion. We'll start with a text discussion, but we can try live video chats if enough subscribers get involved. February is halfway done, so we'll begin in March. If you have book suggestions, drop them in the comments! I'll let you know which book we'll be reading next week. If you aren't already a subscriber, you can become one by typing your email in the form below.
Until next time,
Yardena
Weekend Potpourri
I’ve been falling asleep to the new alt-J album
I loved it.