Hello friends,
The idea of growing old never terrified me when I was younger. No matter my age, I always wanted to be older than I was. Now, at thirty, I think I’m finally settling into my present self. I have an incurable brain-eating disease, but I feel that sense of peace I’ve longed for my whole life.
It isn’t easy to explain. Even I don’t fully understand how I got here. Depression, anxiety, and OCD have plagued me for most of my life. Receiving an MS diagnosis at twenty-eight almost broke me. But this pesky flaw in my biology finally forced me to slow down enough to take on the chaos in my mind. Or maybe two years of covid did that. Perhaps I owe this change to the daily meditation practice I developed. Probably, all of these things contributed to my changed outlook.
Don’t get me wrong; I’d get rid of all the shit that’s wrong with me if I could. But I can’t. I can only do my best with each day. So when I noticed my first grey hairs appearing, I felt an odd satisfaction. So many people dread getting older, but all that dread does is mar the present. It sits over everything like a shroud, reminding you of your eventual mortality. But that’s the thing—death is eventual. Decay is a process that happens every day.
That decay isn’t the end, though. Every day, our bodies replace billions of cells, some of which live less than a week. In eighty to one hundred days, we replenish thirty trillion cells—the equivalent of a brand new self.
Of course, not every cell is replenished during that time. Some take fifty years before they die and return anew. Some, like my damaged neurons, will never return. But my point is that we’re constantly in flux. We carry some of the past with us as it informs our present and future. And we plan to take specific paths when we know where we want to go. But we’re only ever truly existing in the present.
In the present, my hair is beginning to go grey. That’s not good or bad; it just is. Here’s a list of other things that are true at the moment:
My cat is hilarious and brings me joy
My sourdough starter is a bit overripe
I’m looking at color options to repaint my bedroom
I bought a Toyo toolbox that is both functional and aesthetically pleasing
My juvenile goldfish are beginning to show color changes
I need to change the water in my fish tank
Buying new furniture with 0% financing for twelve months is as oddly satisfying as finding grey hairs
I could keep going if I wanted to, but I think you get the picture. My life is just my life. Any emotion I’m experiencing at any given time will pass. It will be replaced with something new, just like my cells. Even though sometimes it feels like sorrow is forever, it’s no more permanent than joy.
What are some things that are true for you right now? Are you seeing your present clearly, or are you too focused on life behind or ahead? Let me know in the comments.
Until next time,
Yardena
Weekend Potpourri
We talked about grief during our Sad Poets Society meeting this month
Scientists find no evidence that depression is caused by “chemical imbalance” or low serotonin levels. This isn’t to say that antidepressants don’t work. In many cases (mine included), they do. But this could be an important step toward figuring out how to rid us of this cloud for good.
Love this scathing criticism of literature in translation by Som-Mai Nguyen. I also highly recommend clicking the articles she links to for similar essays.
A fascinating look into the linguistic origins of the words history, story, and spell and how those roots impact our lives today